Hearing or reading this statement can be quite upsetting and angering for some people. Let’s examine what allows me to say: ‘I am never upset for the reason I think’?*
Here are 5 things to remember about it:
1. My reactions belong to me: No-one can put thoughts in my mind or emotions in my body. Those are mine; I have to own them and take responsibility for them.
2. Reactions are not universal: For the same situation, event or behaviour, different people react differently. If situations and behaviours carried an intrinsic or universal meaning, we would all have the same perceptions about the same situation, but we don’t.
3. We are mostly wrong: I am sure you have had the experience of learning later why someone did something, while you were convinced you KNEW at 100% why they had behaved a certain way. It is quite humbling to realise that we were wrong. This happens all the time. Let’s not pretend we know!
4. My feelings change when I change my mind: Interestingly, once I have changed my mind about why someone behaved a certain, my feelings change as well. This is the premise of cognitive-behaviour therapy (CBT). The situation or the person’s behaviour has remained exactly the same; only my thoughts, or perceptions, have changed. It was enough to make me feel differently and often feel empathy or kindness toward the other person.
5. Social psychological research demonstrates that fact: Bernard Weiner’s Attributional Model (see below) has shown the process we go through when explaining others’ behaviours and events. If our perceptions are negative, they lead to negative feelings or emotions, which lead to negative behaviours (or antisocial behaviours). On the contrary, if my perceptions are positive or neutral, my emotions are of the same nature and so will my behaviours be, that is, prosocial.
Ultimately, the source of my upset is within me! It takes considerable courage to turn away from the habit of believing that the world and people in the world are responsible for how I feel. Concretely, it means that we are moving from feeling like victims to having agency and making decisions about how we want to experience our world.
PLEASE do not take what I put here at face value; I have no interest in people ‘believing’ what I have to say. I am encouraging you to try those ideas on as you would wear a new piece of clothing to see how it is working for you. Ideas have very little value if they remain ‘concepts and constructs’ we use in conversations. The proof has to be in the pudding! J Play with those ideas, apply them to the difficult situations and people you encounter daily; make them yours. See how they shift from negative emotions to calmness and quiet joy. Then you will know their value for yourself. Enjoy!
*This statement comes from Lesson 5 in the Workbook for Students in A Course in Miracles published by the Foundation for Inner Peace.
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