Let’s enter the Holiday Season with the most precious gift we can give: Forgiveness!
It’s important to clarify what is meant by forgiveness:
There is ‘pretend’ forgiveness and ‘true’ forgiveness.
Pretend Forgiveness: Most of us have learned that forgiving is an act of charity and kindness toward another who has done something that hurt us or has wronged us. Being the bigger or ‘better’ person, we say we forgive them; we decide not to seek retribution or vengeance or correction from their part. We do our best to let go of the hurt. However, we tend to deny that such posture places us above the other, so to speak; there is no equality in that.
The problem is that what the person did remains in us with the label ‘I was wronged’ and/or ‘that person cannot be trusted.’ In other words, we still carry blame toward the other. We are still pointing the finger at the ‘source’ of our suffering, insisting that the cause (i.e., the other) of our suffering (i.e., effect) is outside of us. In such position, nothing has been healed within us!
True Forgiveness is the recognition that I am the one with the judgment of the other person! My judgment of another is only a reflection of how I judge myself but pretend I don’t. It is as if I project onto another what I have judged myself about.
When I own or take full responsibility for my reactions to what another did, when I fully recognize and accept that no-one can put a judgment in my head, anger in my heart, and tightness in my body, that is true forgiveness.
In that recognition I then bring cause and effect together in my own being:
The cause = my judgment
The effect = my hurt and anger
They both belong within me! Only then can healing take place. What I cannot explain is how the relationship is transformed when I take myself through that process; some healing takes place and there is a shift in the relationship for the better.
When I make such effort – because it is tremendous effort to be that honest with oneself – I am choosing peace, serenity and harmony, consciously or subconsciously.
Being able to say: “Dearest friend, I forgive you for what you have not done. I saw something in you that belonged to me but in my ignorance of what my reactions are about, I pretended you were to blame. You and I are on the same journey to the awakening of what we share, what is similar between us, our oneness. Thank you for your companionship on this journey.” That is True Forgiveness!
I am aware that this is not a common understanding of forgiveness. I suggest you try it on before deciding whether there is truth in this perspective.
In this Holiday Season, let’s give the gift of true forgiveness so that all of us benefit from it! Happy journey to all!
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